We’re all adults here…. Right?

Unfortunately, that is a question I have been asking myself a lot lately. It seems like I jumped on a time machine and landed in middle school. You remember middle school right? The time when everyone was “finding” themselves and learning how to be really nasty to other people if they didn’t agree with or like what other said people were doing. Ugh, I was so glad that time was behind me. The bullying, the name calling, the whispers and just downright mean behavior. Oh but wait it happens again when you are an adult. Don’t get me wrong I am no angel. I catch myself gossiping and criticizing others too. But I really thought that being an adult meant we were all going to try to act like it.

I try very hard to be conscious of what I am doing and saying especially around kids. They are so impressionable and what adults say and do in front of them they will go and do the same. I wish everyone would could try to watch themselves as well. Again, I am not perfect and things slip but when they do I try to explain that is was wrong of me to say or do that.

Back to us “adults”  More than once I have wondered things like “Am I at the grocery store or back in middle school gym class?” Or the even better ponder “Am I at work or on the playground?” I guess I was wrong in assuming that people should and would be held to a higher professional standard when they were working. Between all of the tattling and backstabbing the workplace can get really old. I mean can’t we just do what we came here for? You know that thing called work; let’s try that. Let’s face it we are all different and unique human beings. We are not always going to see eye to eye and we all have different opinions on how things should get done. We don’t all have to be best friends but we do have to work together. Work can sometimes be stressful enough without all of this childish behavior. (I know I am not working right now; just basing this on fond memories) Sometimes when I go out and about I am wearing yoga pants. To me that is perfectly acceptable. They are usually black or grey in color and I don’t feel that they are too tight. Other times I go shopping I am wearing jeans with a scarf or nice top. Apparently the cereal aisle has turned into the catwalk and I missed the memo. I thought I was just at the store to pick up some cereal not be judged by my outfit.

I see tons of stories on bullying all over social media. These kids go to school and get ridiculed on what they look like, how they dress or their likes and dislikes. I like to follow my old standard “If you are nice to me and treat me with respect, I will like you back.” I really could care less if your shirt has a hole in it or you like to (gasp) read books. If you are nice and friendly to me I will be the same to you. You kind of can predict that kids are going to be mean to each other at some point because they are learning how this world works. But we as adults should know better.

Then there is social media. Ugh. I love it and I hate it. Sometimes logging into Facebook is like walking into the cafeteria and not having anyone to sit with. Then we have the lovely passive aggressiveness or the straight out calling people on their shit. Well guess what I feel it is better to pick up the phone and call that person instead of re-posting something that nobody really knows what the heck you are talking about anyway. Then assumptions are made and we are back in middle school.

Nobody is perfect and I am fully aware of that. We are all going to say things that we don’t mean out of anger or frustration. But let’s try to take a step back and really think about what is going to fly out of our mouth. It is a lot more calming and pleasant to be nice to each other than being rude and mean. You never know what is going on with someone else in their personal life so know the whole story or try to before you judge. We are supposed to be adults and be an example for others. Let’s try to do that. Maybe in the future we can just say we’re all adults with no question.

Sifitng through the positive and the negative

First off I have to give a huge thank you to everyone who has read, shared, commented and messaged me about my last post. I have had the most views I have ever had yesterday and I was pretty dang close to having a record-setting day on Sunday!! So awesome to see all of the views, comments and shares 🙂 I am going through my emails and notifications as we speak so I am hoping I don’t miss anyone. It was an awesome pick me up on a scan day to see my views soaring. Speaking of my scan I passed with an A+ according to my Doctor 😉 It was awesome news to hear but we had to say goodbye to my Oncologist because she is leaving 😦 She did promise me that my next Oncologist would be as smart and nice as she is so that made me feel better. Another positive on scan day; I saw the absolute neatest thing at the clinic I go to. When we walked in we noticed some nurses and Doctors gathered by the door and we both wondered what was going on. After we checked in and sat in the waiting room I noticed an elderly couple walking from the chemo area into the waiting room. Once they got closer to the staff that had gathered by the door everyone started clapping and cheering for them. Then the gentlemen rang a bell because he had just finished his last chemo!! It was really awesome to see that! Oh did I mention the couple was holding hands? Super cute ❤ Since this is only my second scan at this clinic and I didn’t receive my chemo there we had never seen this before. When I finished my last chemo I received a bottle of sparkling grape juice and a little basket full of info about life after treatment. Some of the nurses that I had stopped to see me before I left. Actually the first nurse to administer my chemo gave me my grape juice and told me she asked to be the one to give it to me because she was so proud of me that I finished my chemo 🙂 All of the nurses really made my last day of chemo a pretty awesome day 🙂 All of the positive thoughts and words were and still are greatly appreciated! It is truly wonderful to see and experience medical staff that truly care about their patients. Thank you to all of you for doing what you do!

You are probably wondering what in the world my negative is. Well, on Sunday we learned that someone decided to go on a shopping spree on us at Wal-Mart in a different state. Blurg. I found out something was a miss at the worst place possible. I was innocently swiping my card at the grocery store and it wouldn’t work. So I had to write out; wait for it…. a check! You know those pre-historic things you have lying around that no one uses anymore?  Except for me at the grocery store on an extremely busy Sunday. Somehow these little nerds living in their parents basements have learned how to steal your numbers and put them on another card to be swiped at any destination of their choice. Well, nerds I hope you get scratched by your fake cards and your mom quits cutting the crust off of your sandwiches! It sounds like we will be getting our funds back it will just take a little time. Luckily my card was flagged so these nerds only got two purchases on us. Oh and I filed a police report so watch out nerds I am coming and I love watching mystery shows. Not the fake ones either but real life so I know what I am doing 😉 Sorry for the use of the word “nerd” but I figured the other words I was using for them were not appropriate for a blog. So in-between lab work, my scan and my appointment I got to make a whole bunch of phone calls. Nerds…. I did get a little time to pick up a super cute Super-Woman t-shirt for Avery. But instead of being an adult super-woman she is toddler sized which makes the shirt even cuter.

One more negative is that Avery and I are in the midst of allergies. So we are both wearing a new perfume called Vicks vapo-rub and our world is very foggy. So if this post doesn’t make sense you can thank Mucinex. I think I am the only person in the world that cannot handle taking allergy or cold meds. The only time I took Claritin I swear I had an out-of-body experience. I did find an allergy med that I can handle taking but I needed reinforcements this time (insert Mucinex and a truckload of Kleenex)

Back to positive. I was thinking for like a week that maybe I needed a small break from y house so even though scan day was coming I was excited to get out of the house. Well that feeling lasted for about an hour because once we got to the clinic I saw a little girl who looked just like Avery and it made me miss her terribly. I guess she missed me too because she has been clinging to me ever since I got home yesterday. As far as she knows I was only gone for 5 1/2 hours because she slept until 8:00 a.m. yesterday but I guess that was long enough for her. I take it Percy missed me too because he has also been by my side since I got home. My last positive is that my labs and scan were clear so I was able to wake up this morning and enjoy a very pretty sunrise. I will post a pic and if you look really close you can see the moon. Again thank you all so much for reading and the awesome messages and comments!!

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Remission Life

You made it. You heard those wonderful words that every cancer patient longs to hear. You are in remission. You passed the biggest test you will probably ever take; and beat the big demon cancer. Now it’s time to celebrate! Hair is coming back, you are starting to feel better and your new normal is coming together. Of course you are still tied to the Doctor with follow-ups, lab work and scans but you are starting to taste the freedom.

The first month after I was told I was in remission was awesome. The chemo fog was lifting and I was really enjoying the rest of my maternity leave. Then the second month came and with that my looming scan was on the horizon. I am not going to lie scan day is awful for me. I am nervous and pretty much feel like I am going to vomit until I get those awesome words. You know the ones that your scan and lab work is good and you are free for another three months.

After two years of remission (yay!) I received another dose of awesomeness. I have now graduated into a six month scan schedule. As long as I am a good girl and get my yearly physical I can do my scans every six months instead of every three. Nice on the anxiety level and the pocket-book.

I may have played down the anxiety regarding scan time. The anxiety starts rearing its ugly head about a month and a half before scan day. There is a lot of me refusing to go to any appointments and coming up with tons of reasons I have cancer again. If you have ever had cancer you know what I am talking about. Your finger can hurt and you think this is it; my cancer is back. In the end I always end up going. Of course I am trying to read the faces of the lab tech and radiology techs. (Like the lab tech knows if my cancer is back by the looks of my blood when it is still in the tube) I am always sure that the radiology tech has seen cancer all over in my body by the look on their face. They are probably just creeped out by me looking at them all of the time but whatever. Then after a couple of hours that creep by like a turtle on its way into town; it is Doctor time. You just know your fate; the cancer is back. Then they come in the room and tell you everything is clear and you wish you would have brought a bottle of champagne and those streamers to celebrate.

Remission is something to celebrate. Not just after a clear scan but everyday. You fought the good fight and you won. You may not know it but us survivors are an example for our fellow fighters still sitting in that recliner getting chemo. They need to be lifted up just like you may have during treatment. So let them know; after surgeries, procedures, chemo, radiation and tons of testing you did it! Now you can call yourself a survivor and they can too. Remission life does have its ups and downs with scary testing and side effects from treatment but you need to enjoy it. Keep fighting through the anxiety and side effects just like you did during treatment. Get out and live life for yourself, your family and everyone out there still fighting. Really no one loses to cancer. Even when angels are taken from us they did not lose. They fought as hard as they could to stay and that is a great accomplishment. Now, if you are in remission enjoy the remission life and get out and live it. Do something you may not have done before treatment or something you have always wanted to do. I feel like I was given a second chance at life and I am going to live it up and have some fun. I encourage everyone to enjoy the remission life 🙂

Be the bigger person

I have always had a hard time being the bigger person. In every situation instead of stepping back I react right away. After it’s all said and done I wonder “What would have happened if I had just stepped back and thought if the situation really called for a reaction?” Sometimes it is better to be a person of few words than a person of many.

I have decided to try this new me out. The me that doesn’t overreact but stops and assess the situation first. Sometimes that is what people want is a reaction. They want the argument or bad blood to continue because they feed off of that. In turn your world gets turned upside down by this disagreement or past feelings. We need to start thinking “Is this really worth it?” “Do we need to react and drudge up these sour feelings again?” “Maybe we can let a sleeping dog lie and move on.”

Of course there are obvious situations where things need to be worked out. If it’s an argument with your kids, husband, friend or co-worker that needs to be resolved to move on than yes get it out and hash it out. But if it’s with an acquaintance or someone you really have no plans of speaking to again do you really need to have the argument? I am starting to think no. Life is too short to be wrapped up in arguments and disagreements. It’s time to start moving on and letting go.

I am one of those people who beat a subject to death. If I am upset about something I obsess over it and think about it constantly. Since I have been trying out the “new” me I have not been doing that as much. It’s not worth the stress or time it takes. Stress can do a lot of harm to your body and life. It’s time to stop the stress of things or situations you have no control over. Sometimes you just don’t understand another’s point of view or you simply do not get along with someone. That’s okay. Be the bigger person and walk away.

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Don’t Bring Me Down

I can’t help but see the mom bashing on social media, blogs, internet and everyday life. It seems like everyone has an opinion on what everyone else is doing. Whether you are a working mom or stay at home mom we are still moms. Whether you breast feed, bottle feed, cloth diaper or buy disposable diapers we are still the same. It makes me wonder why does there have to be so much tension?

In my eyes everyone has a right to their own opinion. But why do we feel the need to voice it in a negative way. Being a mother in this day and age is hard enough without added pressure from people who are our peers. We should be lifting each other up instead of bringing each other down.

When I chose not to breastfeed I had to explain myself up and down to tons of people. My reasoning was a little longer than  saying it doesn’t work for me or I don’t produce enough milk. I was to undergo chemo two weeks after I had my daughter. I had a couple of options. The first was to breastfeed for two weeks and then stop. With that came running the risk of getting an infection and then postponing chemo. The second was to breastfeed through chemo. I did not feel comfortable with that. The third was to not breastfeed at all. I chose the third. The reasoning behind my choice was I felt if I got an infection and had to postpone chemo then what was the point of putting my daughter through the NICU experience if I couldn’t start treatment to ensure time with her.

After each time of having to explain my choice I always wondered why do I feel the need to defend my choice. This is my life and my daughter’s life and I felt I made the best decision for us. I would literally run; well walk as fast as I could after a hysterectomy from the breast-feeding specialist at the hospital I had my daughter at. I understand I was a different case from most but everyone was saying different things to me and it seemed that no one was sure on what they thought I should do. Then I realized why should I waiver on my decision based on someone else’s opinion?

I see tons of articles on why moms should or shouldn’t go back to work. After the article there is always the comments and the fighting. Why should everyone feel they need to defend their decision on staying home or working? Some people don’t have a choice they have to work. Some people just know it is not for them. They would lay their life down for their children but they need to socialize with adults and get out of the house. Some people can make staying at home work and they want to stay home. Shouldn’t we all support each other decisions? Wouldn’t it be easier if we lifted each other up instead of the constant passive-aggressive comments? This mom thing is hard enough without everyone having to defend every single decision they make. Is my daughter going to be a bad person because I put her is disposable diapers? I hope not otherwise me and Pampers are going to have a problem. Are children going to be bad kids because of the brand of bottle we use? Probably not. Will my daughter be crazy because I let her watch Bubble Guppies? Maybe, crazy for Bubble Guppies but in general no.

I can’t say this for every mom but I can definitely say this for myself. I come up with tons of things to worry about all by myself I don’t need any help. Maybe I lived in a dream world when I pictured moms at the park getting along. I really didn’t think it would be a big deal when I pulled out non organic puffs. I know I am guilty of it too. Forming opinions on people or things when I do not have the full story. That’s the thing we never really know the full story. Maybe the mom next to you gives her child generic goldfish because she can’t afford the organic ones. Your neighbor may have to work because she carries the benefits and that darling little one in the car seat has asthma and their inhaler is ridiculously expensive. The mom you see at the library that never has her husband with her is alone because they work different shifts to cut down on daycare costs. The girl at the grocery store that is always alone didn’t want to be but she has no choice because her husband is in the military and he is gone right now.

Let’s do ourselves a favor. The next time you see the mom that is all alone struggling with her groceries; hold the door open for her. When you see your neighbor pulling out of her driveway give her a smile and a wave. When you see the mom at the library by herself say hi. The next time the mom at the playground pulls out her snacks start a conversation with her. We are all here for the same reason; to raise our children the best way we know how. Maybe if one of us starts being positive and trying to understand everyone’s situation we can make this mom bashing stop.

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Life really is beautiful

When life starts to bring you down; look around you I bet you can find something that is beautiful. Whether it be your child laughing, something beautiful in nature or maybe your partner’s smile. You can always find something beautiful around you. When my mind goes to a dark place I look around and always find something that is beautiful to me. Whether I am at home or out and about. Even at work there are beautiful things. Maybe a picture of a great memory on your desk or a co-worker that has turned into a friend stops to say hi. If you take the time everyday to find the beautiful around you in your life it helps you to get through the day. What do you find around you that is beautiful?

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One more minute

Wherever you are in your fitness journey I hope this can give you some motivation

One more minute is all it takes

One more minute leads to another minute tomorrow

One more minute makes you stronger

One more minute makes the next workout easier

One more minute increases stamina

One more minute makes you feel better

One more minute is worth it

Even when you want to give up; go one more minute. The results can be more than you imagined if you add one more minute everyday.

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You don’t have to give up hope

During the struggles of life it is hard not to give up hope. It is actually very easy to give up; but don’t. Please don’t give up hope. Through all of the infertility, loss and cancer I wanted to give up so many times but I didn’t. And now I get to watch my daughter grow up; which at one time I didn’t think it would be possible.

Today as I gave my daughter a bath watching the foam letters float around; all I could think about was how four years ago I really didn’t think this would be possible. All of the little things that I get to do with her that would have never happened if I would have given up hope.

After we lost our son there was still hope. Hope for peace and hope for another baby. We were lucky to receive both.

When I think back to those dark days of chemo there was hope. Hope to be cured and hope to never have to go through it again. So far it has come true.

Whether you hope, wish, pray or do all three keep on. Whatever anyone tells you keep hoping for the best possible outcome. You may be surprised how truly wonderful that outcome can be 🙂

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Find Your Special Everyday

With the Holidays coming to a close there are so many special moments that happened and I would love to just put them in a jar and take them out everyday and relive them. But then I realized that I can and I should. With the monotony of everyday life it gets hard to find special moments or remember them; but I think we could all use special moments everyday to make life better and easier. Ever since having cancer I really try everyday to live life to the fullest. To me just trying to enjoy life is living it to the fullest. Like I have said before; you don’t have to go skydiving everyday to live life to the fullest. Just doing things you wouldn’t usually do or having fun makes life better.

I know it is hard to enjoy life sometimes. You get up, get ready, go to work and come home. Once you get home its supper, clean-up, homework and bedtime. But if you really try you can find special in one of those things. Maybe it will happen when you are making supper and you use a dish that is a family heirloom. I have one of my aunt’s cake pans and it still has her name on it. Every time I use it a flood of wonderful memories come back  and it is so special to me. Maybe it will happen while doing homework with your children. If there is a certain subject they have been struggling with and all of a sudden the light bulb clicks on and they get it; that is special. Every time Avery learns something new; that is special to me.

Even when dealing with loss there are so many special memories or special things that can make it easier. When thinking about my son I always remember the day I found out I was pregnant with him. I will never forget my Doctor telling me I was pregnant. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world 🙂 When I think of him I try not to always think of the loss; I try to remember the good that he brought and still brings to my life everyday. There are also two very important people who are missing from my life. They are my Grandma’s. They are both so special to me in their own ways. When I am missing them or wishing they could have met Avery I also remember all the wonderful things I was able to do with them. I do have some special keepsakes of theirs and it helps me to remember the good times.

There is special in everyday life sometimes you just have to find it. Slow down a little and take the time with the special people and things in your life. Put all of the those memories in your jar and get them out when things get hard. Find your special everyday. Whether it be in a moment laughing with your kids or significant other or a moment that you enjoy some me time. Whatever your special is find it and keep it.

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