The million dollar question that is always asked after something bad happens. It is so hard to understand why bad things happen and I truly believe you never fully understand. I know for myself that I will never fully understand why my son went to Heaven instead of staying with us. It was the question I asked over and over again to myself and others. It just didn’t seem fair.
After two years of infertility we had a huge surprise; we were pregnant. It was a whirlwind pregnancy since I was farther along than anyone expected me to be (including myself). Between bed rest at home and in the hospital due to a placenta previa and getting ready for our bundle we were very busy. We were so happy and excited to welcome our baby boy! I never in a million years dreamed that he would be born sleeping. I mean I did everything right. I was in the hospital twice and on bed rest at home for a week to protect him. I was on light duty at work and I never worked alone in case I would start bleeding. We stayed home, skipped weddings and other events just in case I would start bleeding or go into labor. The last hospital stay was for two weeks. Two weeks on hospital bed rest can drive a person bat crap crazy but I was more than willing to do it to protect my baby.
Then it happened that morning where there was no heartbeat. I just didn’t get it. I remember saying over and over “I don’t understand.” “We did everything we were supposed to do.” Everything happened so fast from the nurse coming in and then the Doctor with the portable ultrasound. I think I knew when the Doctor came what the outcome was going to be. Nothing can ever prepare you to lose a child. It’s just not the natural order of things. You are always supposed to go first.
Everyday I wish there would have been a different outcome. I think about what he would be like and how great it would be to snuggle both of my babies to sleep every night. He brought us a joy we had never experienced before. He made my first pregnancy a wonderful experience with so much love. Even though he only lived in my belly; he lives on everyday for me. He taught me so much about unconditional love and what you will do for your child. I learned to be patient and take life at a slower pace. Now I realize how precious life really is and it is because of him. I think he taught me so much more than I could have ever taught him.
To answer the age-old question. No, I will never fully understand why he was taken from us but I know why he was given to us. And I would do it all over again to be able to feel him move in my belly, hear his heartbeat and hold him. Even though it is hard at times for me to talk about what happened or write about it I know that I need too. I think he would want me to ❤
When we got married almost seven long years ago we of course included those words into our vows. “For better or for worse” “In sickness and in health.” When I said those words I never in a million years thought we would endure more sickness than health and so many hard times. In our marriage so far we have endured infertility, loss and cancer. Usually people endure maybe one or two in their lifetime. We got hit with all three. I feel like we were so naïve when we got married to think we would be able to have kids with the snap of our fingers and just have a “normal” life together. (They never tell you in your pre-marriage classes that really bad things can and will happen)
Most of the time I just go with it. This is our life and we deal with it. But then there are those times where it gets pointed out to me how many things we have been through together. One person said to me “If you guys can make it through everything you have been through together; you can make it through anything.” At first I thought “I can’t even imagine what else could happen.” Then I remembered something can always happen.
When we first got married I never dreamed that my husband would be the one to shave my head when I got cancer. I never in a million years imagined we would have to do some of the things we did when we were trying to have a baby. Between testing and procedures we were willing to do anything to have a baby. I never thought we would have to bury our son together.
From the crankiness on my end from fertility meds to staying by my side in the hospital for two weeks while I was on bed rest. When we lost our son we said we would never do things that we didn’t feel comfortable with. What I mean by that is we always make decisions about him or his things together and if one of us doesn’t feel comfortable we don’t do it. We have stuck with it and it seems to work for us. When I found out I had cancer and our daughter was going to be coming two months early we worked it out and dealt with it together.
I think some of the trick to this whole marriage thing and really life in general is you must have a little humor. Even though there was nothing humorous about the things we have been through some how we always found ways to laugh. Sometimes you just have to step back and let the other person freak out. I had many freak outs while I was going through chemo and dealing with our insurance and billing departments. I am surprised someone didn’t rip the phone out of my hand or the people on the other line didn’t hang up. For the most part husband let me have my freak out and then I would be over it. Not that we have mastered marriage by any means but we have learned a lot about each other and how to deal with each other. I dare you to not learn new and sometimes alarming things about someone when you are locked in a small hospital room for two weeks together. Lastly for the love of God talk to each other. I am not saying you have to have a huge therapy session every week but you need to talk a little. I am not one for talking about my feelings but you kind of have to a little.
From now on I am hoping we have more better than worse and more health than sickness. I know firsthand that isn’t always possible. But now I know we can get through it together.
“Life aint always beautiful
But it’s a beautiful ride.” ~Gary Allan
Over the years my definition of love had definitely changed. You grow older and your life changes; sometimes drastically. With Valentines day upon us I would like to share some definitions of what love is to me now.
Love is watching husband and step-son put together Avery’s stroller for her babies 🙂
Love is having husband home and not having to work on a Saturday ❤
Love is being able to go and get my hair did today and have a little me time 😀
Love is getting up early and watching Calling Dr. Pol with my fave kitty 🙂
Love is ordering in and eating supper together as a family ❤
Love is hanging out and laughing after supper and maybe getting a little binge watching in 😀
Love is having Avery come in our room last night holding her favorite teddy bear 🙂
What is your definition of love? Has it changed over the years? Mine sure has and for the better. Yes, it is nice to get out of the house and spend time alone together but everything just seems more complete when we are all together as a family. To me love is many things ❤
Just when I think I there is no way possible that I could love you more you do something that just melts my heart. You always have a way to make me smile, laugh out loud and make my heart burst with love.
The way you organize all of your toys just like I organize makes me love you more.
The way you laugh and get the giggles makes me love you more.
When you come running up to me to give me a hug makes me love you more.
How we can just be silly together makes me love you more.
When you need your quiet time just like me makes me love you more.
Your love of books and how you want to read them all makes me love you more.
Even your strong will makes me love you more; that lets me know you will grow into a strong woman who can take care of herself.
Seeing you enjoy life to the fullest makes me love you more.
I am sure there are hundreds of other things that you do now and will do in the future that will make me thank God you are in my life and that I get to be your momma. You are always keeping me guessing and just when I think me heart is full you do something that makes me love you more ❤
In the middle of the night when you wake me I still love you
In the morning when you won’t get dressed I still love you
When you won’t eat supper I still love you
When you get in trouble I still love you
If you are mad at me I still love you
If I get frustrated I still love you
If you don’t understand something the first or second time I still love you
If I am tired I still love you
Even when I am busy I still love you
Whatever it is good or bad I will still love you. We are all human and make mistakes. We fall down, we get back up. Life has up and downs but together we will be okay. I always want you to know I still love you.