The million dollar question that is always asked after something bad happens. It is so hard to understand why bad things happen and I truly believe you never fully understand. I know for myself that I will never fully understand why my son went to Heaven instead of staying with us. It was the question I asked over and over again to myself and others. It just didn’t seem fair.
After two years of infertility we had a huge surprise; we were pregnant. It was a whirlwind pregnancy since I was farther along than anyone expected me to be (including myself). Between bed rest at home and in the hospital due to a placenta previa and getting ready for our bundle we were very busy. We were so happy and excited to welcome our baby boy! I never in a million years dreamed that he would be born sleeping. I mean I did everything right. I was in the hospital twice and on bed rest at home for a week to protect him. I was on light duty at work and I never worked alone in case I would start bleeding. We stayed home, skipped weddings and other events just in case I would start bleeding or go into labor. The last hospital stay was for two weeks. Two weeks on hospital bed rest can drive a person bat crap crazy but I was more than willing to do it to protect my baby.
Then it happened that morning where there was no heartbeat. I just didn’t get it. I remember saying over and over “I don’t understand.” “We did everything we were supposed to do.” Everything happened so fast from the nurse coming in and then the Doctor with the portable ultrasound. I think I knew when the Doctor came what the outcome was going to be. Nothing can ever prepare you to lose a child. It’s just not the natural order of things. You are always supposed to go first.
Everyday I wish there would have been a different outcome. I think about what he would be like and how great it would be to snuggle both of my babies to sleep every night. He brought us a joy we had never experienced before. He made my first pregnancy a wonderful experience with so much love. Even though he only lived in my belly; he lives on everyday for me. He taught me so much about unconditional love and what you will do for your child. I learned to be patient and take life at a slower pace. Now I realize how precious life really is and it is because of him. I think he taught me so much more than I could have ever taught him.
To answer the age-old question. No, I will never fully understand why he was taken from us but I know why he was given to us. And I would do it all over again to be able to feel him move in my belly, hear his heartbeat and hold him. Even though it is hard at times for me to talk about what happened or write about it I know that I need too. I think he would want me to ❤