One Lovely Blog Award

You guessed it I received another award!! Crazy to think that a short time ago I had never received an award in my whole 32 years and now I have two under my belt 🙂 Again no lovely dress or speech prepared so I will give you what I got. Oh and I am living on a few precious hours of sleep after being up all night with a sick Avery. I wonder if celebrities have boogers on their outfits when they are accepting awards? Probably not but since I don’t have a glam squad you may find a booger or two. Super excited for my second award and I really love the name too 🙂

I was nominated by Did You Dress Up For This? I would like to thank her so much for the award 🙂 I just got to know her and she has one awesome blog so stop over and check her out! Of course there are some rules that go along with this award and I am happy to oblige. The first being I have to tell you seven facts/things about me. I know there are some more burning questions everyone has for me that need to be answered so here goes:

  1. I am Ukrainian. Well, half Ukrainian my dad/personal trainer is 100% and my Grandparents both traveled to the United States from the Ukraine.
  2. I have never had my ears pierced.
  3. If I was a boy my name was to be Sal after a baseball player. (So glad I was a girl) When I think of the name Sal I think of a weird guy driving around in a van with a newsboy cap on.
  4. I am an only child. Sometimes it’s a good thing but it can be lonely.
  5. I hate birds. Sorry bird lovers but they creep me the heck out. Maybe that is where my love of cats comes from?
  6. I love pens! I have tons and tons of them. I really don’t discriminate and I switch them out from my purse so the others don’t get their feelings hurt or think I have a favorite.
  7. I had never rode on an airplane until I was 26 years old. I went on a trip with two of my friends to San Diego 🙂 It was a great trip from what I can remember 😉

Now I am to nominate 15 other blogs for this award. A difficult task since I am so new to blogging; but I am willing to give it a go. I think I am supposed to nominate fairly new blogs but since I am still getting to know people I am going to throw in some others too 🙂  I will list these in no particular order of awesomeness 🙂

  1. diapersandtutus.wordpress.com From Diapers and Tutus to Meetings and Boardrooms
  2. littleassholes.com The Joy of Cooking (for little assholes)
  3.  wereonlyhsuman.com We’re Only Hsuman
  4.  tinyexpats.com Tiny Expats
  5. mymamajourney.org My Mama Journey
  6. www.myreallifemoments.com My Real Life Moments
  7. queenofthelandoftwigsnberries.wordpress.com Queen of the land of twigs and berries
  8. arwenaragornstar.com arwenaragornstar

I know there are only eight blogs but I am living on the edge tonight and like I mentioned before I am new to blogging and still getting to know people 🙂 If you have the time stop and check these blogs out! I promise you will not be disappointed 🙂 Thanks again for the award and to everyone for reading!! Maybe I should really think about getting that dress….

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Love is

Over the years my definition of love had definitely changed. You grow older and your life changes; sometimes drastically. With Valentines day upon us I would like to share some definitions of what love is to me now.

  • Love is watching husband and step-son put together Avery’s stroller for her babies 🙂
  • Love is having husband home and not having to work on a Saturday ❤
  • Love is being able to go and get my hair did today and have a little me time 😀
  • Love is getting up early and watching Calling Dr. Pol with my fave kitty 🙂
  • Love is ordering in and eating supper together as a family ❤
  • Love is hanging out and laughing after supper and maybe getting a little binge watching in 😀
  • Love is having Avery come in our room last night holding her favorite teddy bear 🙂

What is your definition of love? Has it changed over the years? Mine sure has and for the better. Yes, it is nice to get out of the house and spend time alone together but everything just seems more complete when we are all together as a family. To me love is many things ❤

Remission Life

You made it. You heard those wonderful words that every cancer patient longs to hear. You are in remission. You passed the biggest test you will probably ever take; and beat the big demon cancer. Now it’s time to celebrate! Hair is coming back, you are starting to feel better and your new normal is coming together. Of course you are still tied to the Doctor with follow-ups, lab work and scans but you are starting to taste the freedom.

The first month after I was told I was in remission was awesome. The chemo fog was lifting and I was really enjoying the rest of my maternity leave. Then the second month came and with that my looming scan was on the horizon. I am not going to lie scan day is awful for me. I am nervous and pretty much feel like I am going to vomit until I get those awesome words. You know the ones that your scan and lab work is good and you are free for another three months.

After two years of remission (yay!) I received another dose of awesomeness. I have now graduated into a six month scan schedule. As long as I am a good girl and get my yearly physical I can do my scans every six months instead of every three. Nice on the anxiety level and the pocket-book.

I may have played down the anxiety regarding scan time. The anxiety starts rearing its ugly head about a month and a half before scan day. There is a lot of me refusing to go to any appointments and coming up with tons of reasons I have cancer again. If you have ever had cancer you know what I am talking about. Your finger can hurt and you think this is it; my cancer is back. In the end I always end up going. Of course I am trying to read the faces of the lab tech and radiology techs. (Like the lab tech knows if my cancer is back by the looks of my blood when it is still in the tube) I am always sure that the radiology tech has seen cancer all over in my body by the look on their face. They are probably just creeped out by me looking at them all of the time but whatever. Then after a couple of hours that creep by like a turtle on its way into town; it is Doctor time. You just know your fate; the cancer is back. Then they come in the room and tell you everything is clear and you wish you would have brought a bottle of champagne and those streamers to celebrate.

Remission is something to celebrate. Not just after a clear scan but everyday. You fought the good fight and you won. You may not know it but us survivors are an example for our fellow fighters still sitting in that recliner getting chemo. They need to be lifted up just like you may have during treatment. So let them know; after surgeries, procedures, chemo, radiation and tons of testing you did it! Now you can call yourself a survivor and they can too. Remission life does have its ups and downs with scary testing and side effects from treatment but you need to enjoy it. Keep fighting through the anxiety and side effects just like you did during treatment. Get out and live life for yourself, your family and everyone out there still fighting. Really no one loses to cancer. Even when angels are taken from us they did not lose. They fought as hard as they could to stay and that is a great accomplishment. Now, if you are in remission enjoy the remission life and get out and live it. Do something you may not have done before treatment or something you have always wanted to do. I feel like I was given a second chance at life and I am going to live it up and have some fun. I encourage everyone to enjoy the remission life 🙂

How you know you are binge watching a show

Hello my name is Autumn and I am a binge watcher of television shows. I really don’t discriminate I love them all. Right now I am in the midst of Breaking Bad. For some reason I am drawn to shows where people’s morals are being questioned. Maybe I am living vicariously though them. I am constantly gasping and saying OMG when I watch those shows. Literally on the edge of my seat people. I really thought my husband and I were the only ones that binged. Until one day I was watching a talk show and they were talking about people binge watching. I was happy and sad. Happy because there were other people like me and sad because I thought I started a trend and obviously I did not. Over the years I have been on many binges and loved every minute of it. Of course it started with Netflix then it went to DVD’s (not sure why because that isn’t the natural order; but whatever) then I got a DVR. Best day ever!!

Here are some signs that you are a binge watcher:

  1. You watch more than one episode at a time.
  2. You are seriously pissed when you go to the store on the day the DVD of said show is coming out and it’s sold out.
  3. Even in the midst of busy everyday life you carve out enough time to get a couple of episodes in.
  4. If you are binging with someone and all you have to say is “Should I?” And they know you mean turn the show on.
  5. If the person you are binging with skips ahead to the next episode with out you and it makes you want to claw their eyes out.
  6. When you secretly skip ahead and then watch the episodes again with your fellow binger to keep your nasty little secret.
  7. When the characters on the show enter everyday conversation. Whether it be with your fellow binger or just random people who really don’t give a crap about the show.
  8. The characters come out of the show and enter your dreams.
  9. When you start to think the show is real life.
  10. You start wondering what the characters would be like if you met them in real life. But you can’t meet them in real life because they are not real….
  11. If you have a weekend free you know it will be spent on the couch, binging.
  12. When you are forced to return back to the world and somehow you missed a huge world happening.
  13. When someone tells you about major world happening and your response is “Do you watch said show and can you believe how it ended?”
  14. You keep the script going in your head after you watch the season finale.

Now that I have given you some signs of a binge watcher I will let you in on some of the many shows I have enjoyed binge watching over the years. I am always here to help a fellow binger fall deeper into this addiction. Just a warning I am going to list some not so family friendly shows. These are shows that you watch when your children are sleeping or for some reason not at home. When those things happen indulge with a bag of chips, your favorite soda or glass of wine. You will need these treats to get through some of these shows.

  1. Breaking Bad- Still watching but I do recommended it if you are into a drug kingpin type of show and if you constantly want to say “I can’t believe they did that!!”
  2. Weeds- Similar to Breaking Bad but it also has some humor. You will love and hate Nancy the main character about 100 times an episode.
  3. That 70’s Show- Love, Love, Love this show. It was my first binge and I loved every minute of it 🙂 It is funny and has some teenage drama with a grumpy father figure (Red) and a hilarious mother (Kitty) A little drug action so not for the kiddos.
  4. Pushing Daisies- Out of the drug fueled haze and on to this awesome show. It was only on for two seasons but it is wonderful. I would have to say it really is unlike any other show I have ever watched. They are detectives that also work in a pie shop. One of the detectives can wake people from the dead for a short amount of time. You just have to look this one up; it is so worth it.
  5. Modern Family- Awesome show!! So funny and some times even a tear-jerker. (Cam and Mitch’s wedding; I still cry) Great show and totally worth the binge. You can catch reruns on USA and it is still running on ABC with new episodes.
  6. The Big Bang Theory- I was skeptical; I have to admit but husband got me hooked! Love Sheldon and Amy they are probably my favorites if you put a gun to my head and made me choose. You can catch reruns on TBS and is is still running on CBS
  7. The Golden Girls- If I have to explain this one we are going to have some issues. Just watch if you haven’t. I started watching with my Grandma a long, long time ago.
  8. 30 Rock- It stars and is produced by Tina Fey. Enough said.

So my fellow bingers feel free to let me know of shows that you think I need to binge on. I am always looking for a new fix 😉

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Just when I think I couldn’t love you more <3

Just when I think I there is no way possible that I could love you more you do something that just melts my heart. You always have a way to make me smile, laugh out loud and make my heart burst with love.

The way you organize all of your toys just like I organize makes me love you more.

The way you laugh and get the giggles makes me love you more.

When you come running up to me to give me a hug makes me love you more.

How we can just be silly together makes me love you more.

When you need your quiet time just like me makes me love you more.

Your love of books and how you want to read them all makes me love you more.

Even your strong will makes me love you more; that lets me know you will grow into a strong woman who can take care of herself.

Seeing you enjoy life to the fullest makes me love you more.

I am sure there are hundreds of other things that you do now and will do in the future that will make me thank God you are in my life and that I get to be your momma. You are always keeping me guessing and just when I think me heart is full you do something that makes me love you more ❤

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Even when you sleep you make me laugh 🙂

Back at the gym

Today I went back to the bad gym; the first gym I went to in my weight loss journey. Remember the one where people were staring and the lady yelled at me? Yeah that one. I will call it first gym. I really wanted to get out of the house and take Avery swimming since I am now the proud owner of a swimsuit. Since this gym offers daycare (which I still think is a little pricey but I digress) it was our only choice.

We left early so we could get there in time to workout before the daycare center closed. It is only open until 11:00 and we live 40 minutes away. I picked personal trainer up and we were off. He asked if I minded going to Target after the gym. “Mind?” ” Oh silly personal trainer; that was part of my plan the whole time.”  When we pulled into the parking lot it was full. Again. At least there wasn’t a bus this time. The nerves started and I felt like I needed a Sprite to calm me down. Once we got in I noticed that most everyone was over 65. Yes! My favorite people to workout with; they don’t judge and they actually talk to you! My Sprite need went down a couple of levels and I headed into the locker room to change.

We started out on some machines and I actually didn’t break anything. My practicing at second gym is paying off!! After some machine work I jumped on the elliptical. I picked the one where you can see inside of the daycare center. As I was staring off into space I noticed a child trying to climb the plastic fence in the daycare center. After thinking “Who’s kid is that?” I realized it was mine. Crap. It was time to go swimming anyway. By the time I got into the daycare center she moved her reign of terror to the jungle gym/slide. There she was sliding head first down the slide and laughing. Not sure where she gets this craziness from but it was time to let some out in the pool.

After a power struggle in the locker room we emerged into the pool. They have a smaller pool for kids and life jackets. I put Avery in her life jacket and we got in. At first she clung to me like no tomorrow but about five minutes later she thought she could go it alone. Well that wasn’t happening since she is only two and this was her first time in a pool other than a kiddie pool. So we walked around the pool for about 30 minutes. She would kick her little legs and move her arms. She loved every minute of it. So glad I finally broke down and got the swimsuit. We had a blast!

I will probably go back to first gym again but second gym will always be my fave. I am glad I went back so we could go swimming and it was a way better experience this time.

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Be the bigger person

I have always had a hard time being the bigger person. In every situation instead of stepping back I react right away. After it’s all said and done I wonder “What would have happened if I had just stepped back and thought if the situation really called for a reaction?” Sometimes it is better to be a person of few words than a person of many.

I have decided to try this new me out. The me that doesn’t overreact but stops and assess the situation first. Sometimes that is what people want is a reaction. They want the argument or bad blood to continue because they feed off of that. In turn your world gets turned upside down by this disagreement or past feelings. We need to start thinking “Is this really worth it?” “Do we need to react and drudge up these sour feelings again?” “Maybe we can let a sleeping dog lie and move on.”

Of course there are obvious situations where things need to be worked out. If it’s an argument with your kids, husband, friend or co-worker that needs to be resolved to move on than yes get it out and hash it out. But if it’s with an acquaintance or someone you really have no plans of speaking to again do you really need to have the argument? I am starting to think no. Life is too short to be wrapped up in arguments and disagreements. It’s time to start moving on and letting go.

I am one of those people who beat a subject to death. If I am upset about something I obsess over it and think about it constantly. Since I have been trying out the “new” me I have not been doing that as much. It’s not worth the stress or time it takes. Stress can do a lot of harm to your body and life. It’s time to stop the stress of things or situations you have no control over. Sometimes you just don’t understand another’s point of view or you simply do not get along with someone. That’s okay. Be the bigger person and walk away.

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Cleaning out my closet

Sounds easy enough; clean closet and finish unpacking from when we moved here in September. I know it should have been done sooner but I have been putting it off. I have the biggest closet by far out of anyone so a lot of things get shoved in there. Last month husband was off and everyday I would tell myself I was going to do it. It is so much easier to do it when he is home so he can watch Avery while I clean. Avery loves to help but she makes more of a mess and I really wanted to get it done. Of course the month flew by with a dirty closet still on my mind. Now it’s a new month and husband is back to work and I am still thinking about that dang closet. So I decided today would be the day.

I kept telling myself that I was just to lazy to clean it before but when I walked into the closet the real reason was staring me in the face. The blue tote sat in the middle of the room needing to be put away. What is in the blue tote? My son’s belongings. After we had Mason and we weren’t able to bring him home it took me a long time to figure out what to do with all of his things. We had his molds of his feet and hands, footprints, pictures, cards and blankets. You name it we had it. Of course the big items would stay out for what we were hoping would be another baby. I left his clothes in his closet because I was 100% sure we would have another boy and it made me happy to think that Mason could pass down his clothes to his little brother. Lo and behold we had little Avery. Who would have thought that out of a family of all boys (my husband’s side) a little girl would finally come 🙂 I tried my hardest to put Avery in the neutral clothes I had but I couldn’t do it. They were meant for her brother that wasn’t here so I put them to the side.

I wanted a special place for all of our mementos of him and I couldn’t bear to put them in a tote pushed to the back of some closet. So the only logical place would be to put them in my hope chest which sat at the end of our bed. I was really happy about them going into the hope chest. The only problem is that we have moved three times since we had Mason. So his things have to be moved into totes to be transported. He has two totes filled with all of the things I kept of his including some clothes that I couldn’t bear to put on another baby or give away.

When we moved in I promptly unpacked the first tote. For some reason I couldn’t bear to unpack the second; so it got left until today. I am going to rewind a little. The past three nights have been rough with Avery. She just simply does not want to sleep. The first night we finally got her down at 12:30. The second night it was 10:00 and last night it was 11:30. Since she is not sleeping well that means mom isn’t’ either and Avery is a little bear all day because she needs her sleep. Last night I was at my wit’s end. I kept watching the clock tick by knowing I had to be up at 5:15. All I could think about was everything we had on our plate for today; laundry, toddler time, cleaning and a bath. I ended up taking her back downstairs while she cried it out after me getting very frustrated with her. Immediately after she fell asleep I felt bad about how upset I got with her. The guilt is still clinging on big time. Back to the tote. As I was putting Mason’s things away I started thinking about how nice it is to do so. Folding all of his little clothes and blankets. Making sure everything is arranged nicely so it fits in the hope chest. It made me have that great feeling that I long for; I was able to take care of him even though he is not here. Looking at his pictures and realizing all over again what a miracle and blessing he is. After years of infertility we finally won our lottery; we got our babies.

Feeling like I needed to go and squeeze Avery and tell her how much I love her I went into her bedroom where she was playing so nice with her books. Then I smelled it; yup she pooped. I laid her down to change her and it all hit me; the gas, the frequent stools, the not sleeping, the runny nose; she is getting more teeth. Ugh, I felt like such a jerk. I was so frustrated with her I didn’t even realize she was hurting. All she wanted to do was hold my hand and cuddle. All I wanted was some sleep.

All of these thoughts and feelings washed over me. All of the nights I prayed, wished and hoped for little clothes to fold. All of the nights I cried wanting a baby to cuddle and hold hands with. Now I have two and I let my lack of sleep frustrations and sadness take over me. Sometimes I forget how happy going through Mason’s things can make me. In those late night hours I forget how wonderful it is to have my little Avery to hold hands with.

Today Avery is getting smothered with love and I am going to pick a picture of Mason out to hang in our room. I will be happy to fold those little clothes and clean up the messes. This is what I prayed for, wished for and hoped for. I am happy to be cleaning out my closet.

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