Cleaning out my closet

Sounds easy enough; clean closet and finish unpacking from when we moved here in September. I know it should have been done sooner but I have been putting it off. I have the biggest closet by far out of anyone so a lot of things get shoved in there. Last month husband was off and everyday I would tell myself I was going to do it. It is so much easier to do it when he is home so he can watch Avery while I clean. Avery loves to help but she makes more of a mess and I really wanted to get it done. Of course the month flew by with a dirty closet still on my mind. Now it’s a new month and husband is back to work and I am still thinking about that dang closet. So I decided today would be the day.

I kept telling myself that I was just to lazy to clean it before but when I walked into the closet the real reason was staring me in the face. The blue tote sat in the middle of the room needing to be put away. What is in the blue tote? My son’s belongings. After we had Mason and we weren’t able to bring him home it took me a long time to figure out what to do with all of his things. We had his molds of his feet and hands, footprints, pictures, cards and blankets. You name it we had it. Of course the big items would stay out for what we were hoping would be another baby. I left his clothes in his closet because I was 100% sure we would have another boy and it made me happy to think that Mason could pass down his clothes to his little brother. Lo and behold we had little Avery. Who would have thought that out of a family of all boys (my husband’s side) a little girl would finally come 🙂 I tried my hardest to put Avery in the neutral clothes I had but I couldn’t do it. They were meant for her brother that wasn’t here so I put them to the side.

I wanted a special place for all of our mementos of him and I couldn’t bear to put them in a tote pushed to the back of some closet. So the only logical place would be to put them in my hope chest which sat at the end of our bed. I was really happy about them going into the hope chest. The only problem is that we have moved three times since we had Mason. So his things have to be moved into totes to be transported. He has two totes filled with all of the things I kept of his including some clothes that I couldn’t bear to put on another baby or give away.

When we moved in I promptly unpacked the first tote. For some reason I couldn’t bear to unpack the second; so it got left until today. I am going to rewind a little. The past three nights have been rough with Avery. She just simply does not want to sleep. The first night we finally got her down at 12:30. The second night it was 10:00 and last night it was 11:30. Since she is not sleeping well that means mom isn’t’ either and Avery is a little bear all day because she needs her sleep. Last night I was at my wit’s end. I kept watching the clock tick by knowing I had to be up at 5:15. All I could think about was everything we had on our plate for today; laundry, toddler time, cleaning and a bath. I ended up taking her back downstairs while she cried it out after me getting very frustrated with her. Immediately after she fell asleep I felt bad about how upset I got with her. The guilt is still clinging on big time. Back to the tote. As I was putting Mason’s things away I started thinking about how nice it is to do so. Folding all of his little clothes and blankets. Making sure everything is arranged nicely so it fits in the hope chest. It made me have that great feeling that I long for; I was able to take care of him even though he is not here. Looking at his pictures and realizing all over again what a miracle and blessing he is. After years of infertility we finally won our lottery; we got our babies.

Feeling like I needed to go and squeeze Avery and tell her how much I love her I went into her bedroom where she was playing so nice with her books. Then I smelled it; yup she pooped. I laid her down to change her and it all hit me; the gas, the frequent stools, the not sleeping, the runny nose; she is getting more teeth. Ugh, I felt like such a jerk. I was so frustrated with her I didn’t even realize she was hurting. All she wanted to do was hold my hand and cuddle. All I wanted was some sleep.

All of these thoughts and feelings washed over me. All of the nights I prayed, wished and hoped for little clothes to fold. All of the nights I cried wanting a baby to cuddle and hold hands with. Now I have two and I let my lack of sleep frustrations and sadness take over me. Sometimes I forget how happy going through Mason’s things can make me. In those late night hours I forget how wonderful it is to have my little Avery to hold hands with.

Today Avery is getting smothered with love and I am going to pick a picture of Mason out to hang in our room. I will be happy to fold those little clothes and clean up the messes. This is what I prayed for, wished for and hoped for. I am happy to be cleaning out my closet.

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