Today is my son’s third Birthday. I should be making him his favorite meal tonight, planning a big party, giving him Birthday presents, snuggling and doing something special for him on his special day. Instead I am doing my normal routine. See he is not here. He was stillborn. It still kills me a little inside every time I say that. I had planned on writing our story today. But I decided I am not ready for that yet. Shortly after my son was born I decided that I was never going to push myself into doing things I wasn’t ready for; so I am going to talk about our plans for today instead.
Today we are going to the cemetery to do a balloon release. I am excited and nervous. I am excited that I get to do something for him. See when you lose a child you miss out on taking care of them. I don’t get to take care of him when he is sick, read him books, cuddle when he is scared, make him meals, pick out his clothes nothing. I am not going to lie it sucks. So any opportunity I have to do something for him, I take it. I am nervous because I always have really high expectations for this day. I want everything to go perfect. I want the weather to be beautiful, I want the balloon release to be perfect, I want the new flowers for his headstone to be beautiful. Usually I don’t get perfect days. (I don’t think a lot of people do)
If you asked me what I did last week I would have a hard time remembering. I remember September 30, 2011 like it was yesterday. I relive the whole day from the moment I woke up. I remember what I ate for breakfast, the nurse coming into my room, the Doctor telling me that my baby’s heart was no longer beating, the ultrasounds, the walk to the OR to have my baby, EVERYTHING.
Losing a child is a loss like no other. You have plans for your children. When you find out you are pregnant you wonder; what are they going to look like, what are they going to be when they grow up, whose features are they going to have. Then you set up their nursery, buy tons of cute clothes and toys, finish any home projects before the baby comes and wait for their arrival. (If you are anything like me you wait very impatiently) Then you come home from the hospital with no baby. Everything is ready for your new bundle except you didn’t bring a baby home. It is an indescribable pain.
I am going to try to celebrate my son’s Birthday today as much as I can. It stinks that I am crying off and on all day instead of being happy that it’s his Birthday. I am hoping that the balloon release will help. This is the first year that we have done it so I am hoping we have some good luck 🙂 Usually I do get a little help today from the best guardian angel a momma could ask for ❤ As I look out my window and see that the sky is getting a little brighter and the sun may be peeking out, I know he is already working his magic 🙂
Happy Birthday Mason Anthony! I love you so much and can’t wait to be with you again someday ❤